how to be happy: be compassionate

Every morning I talk with Waverly, our 16-month old daughter and as we cuddle, I tell her that she is smart, brave, kind and empathetic, among other things, depending on the day. (She is also funny, sweet, generous, inquisitive and gentle.)

Lately, I have been wondering about the difference between empathy and compassion. I visited The Chopra Center for a better understanding between the two terms. To be empathetic means that you feel viscerally what someone else is feeling. If you watched me step on a Lego, you might  move your foot back protectively. You can imagine my pain.

To be compassionate, however, goes beyond feeling for someone. When you show compassion, you feel their pain but you also try to alleviate it.

"Thupten Jinpa, Ph.D. is the Dalai Lama's principal English translator and author of the course Compassion Cultivation Training. Jinpa posits that compassion is a four-step process: 

1. Awareness of suffering.
2. Sympathetic concern related to being emotionally moved by suffering.
3. Wish to see the relief of that suffering. 
4. Responsiveness or readiness to help alleviate that suffering.

The Dalai Lama famously said in the book "The Art of Happiness,"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

The way I interpret this and the way that I will teach Waverly compassion is that empathy is a passive action but compassion is active. For example, if we see someone outside the market drop her shopping bag, empathy would be "Bummer. Maybe the store will replace her eggs." Compassion is seeing her drop her bag and helping her to pick up her groceries. It means listening intently as someone shares something with you. When you act compassionately, you are showing someone that you care. When someone is going through an issue, all they may need is just to have one person understand and acknowledge what is happening.

I hope that as Waverly grows she acts compassionately. I hope that she is the girl in the lunchroom who doesn't just walk by the person sitting alone at a table. Instead, I hope that it's second nature to her, to ask if they would like to join her and her friends. I look at her now as she is napping in her play space next to my desk and as she sleeps I softly tell her, "Waverly, my sunshine, you are smart, brave, kind, funny, silly and compassionate. You are all of these things. Dream, little one."

how to be happy: let go of the past

It's interesting. In the past two weeks, I've had several conversations with friends who are being held back by a memory of a situation, tragedy or conversation that they can't seem to move past. Several of these conversations have been going on for months and one, years. Either they don't feel that they deserve to be happy or they are so stuck in the mire of depression that they can't actually see a way out.

I know this feeling.

There have been times in my life that I have dwelled in the humiliation of an action that caused someone else or me grief. In the past I would replay that memory over and over in my head. My therapist at the time told me that the more I think about the thing that causes me pain/anxiety, the stronger that memory becomes and the more debilitating that is to my psyche. It's like walking the same path through a field of high grass. It's hard at first to wade through the tall grass but each day you walk, the grass becomes more and more trampled down until you can easily run that path blindfolded. It's the same with a bad memory. The more you run it over in your head, the easier it becomes to access that bad memory. It's there like a scar that never seems to heal.

The only way past this part is to release it. Whatever happened, it's time to let it go and move forward. Stop punishing yourself. Carrying guilt is a heavy burden, Constantly reminding yourself of what happened, won't change what did happen.

What you CAN change is what happens from this millisecond going forward. Empty that heavy heart of yours so that it can be filled with light and happiness. Every time the thought of what happened in the past enters your mind, change it. Immediately. Think about something that brings you joy. Say a prayer. Repeat a mantra. If this doesn't work, change your scenario. Go for a walk. Stop thinking about the negative thing. Stop talking about it with friends and family. It happened. It's over. If you have yet to apologize and your heart tells you you should then do it and move forward with a clear heart and mind.

Every day we have the ability to decide what our future is. Who are you today? Are you on a path that will make you and the people around you happy?

It's hard to make that first step of releasing the negative. I get it. Strangely, there can be comfort in the heaviness that holds you back. If you're feeling small, you protect your heart. You don't have to step out of your comfort zone and take another shot at life. It's easy to stay swirling in darkness. You just have to do nothing. It takes bravery and effort to climb out of that negative, dark place. But oh, the light. That yellow-pink sunlight of happiness that is there waiting to fill your soul up is so worth it. It's so close. Today, just let it go. The action, the sadness, the humiliation, the loss of a person/pet/job is now part of your past.

Onward, sunshine.

May your heart be light!

a simple, lovely gift: an ornament

Yesterday, L and I received the loveliest gift of two ornaments. It was a thoughtful gesture from our friends R&R who knew our love for Tiffany blue. We have a pre-lit 9-foot birch tree in our entry hall and last night we hung these two perfect, aqua glass ornaments from the delicate branches. Each year we take these out to place them on our tree, we will be reminded of our friends.

If you have been stuck on what to get someone for Christmas, setting up a tradition of a Christmas ornament is a thoughtful way to express your good wishes for the holiday. They can be as elegant as these from Tiffany & Co. or funny or classic with price points to suit your budget.

Tiffany & Co. glass ornaments, $65 each.