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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

insights: night, night

I don't sleep.

Not "Oh, I had a fitful night" but rather I just don't sleep. Period.

My mind keeps me awake. I think. I wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to have a job that I love ever again. I worry that I'm disappointing L. by not having a great job that brings in great money. Like I used to. I worry that I'm not contributing to this family, to my community. I worry.

And I lay awake and watch the green glowing digital clock projected on the ceiling. 11:34. 1:17. 2:50. Then 4:34 AM. And as I stared at it I realized that upside down it read "Heh! Wa! I laughed and then I listened to Emma's slow steady puppy breathing. I slowed my breathing to match hers as she slept across my pillow. And I listened to L. breathing, slow and steady and my eyes got heavy.

Maybe it was the sound of Emma and L.'s dreamy rhythmic sleepy breath or maybe it was the middle of the night laugh that signaled a happy hormone to release and relax me but I fell asleep, not even seeing 4:40.

Happy Meter: Falling asleep finally! 7!

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