Wednesday, May 5, 2010

insights: cinqo de mayo is not my favorite holiday

It's 11:38pm on Cinqo de Mayo "The Day That Changed my World." I made it, I survived it.

From yesterday's post you can see that I had a plan for myself. Yeah, it didn't exactly happen the way I planned it out.

To Recap "The Plan"
1.) 8:30am Swing by church and say hi to God. I'm going to sit in a pew and close my eyes and thank Him for letting me survive this traumatic year. And oh yes, thank Him for not striking me down with a lightning bolt when I broke up with Him earlier this year.
2.) 10am. Therapist. Originally I had planned to to talk to her about "Why did this happen? Why me? Why?" (imagine the ugly cry and twisting hands) but instead I want to talk about what my future looks like. I only want joy. I can't take any more crying and feeling pity for myself.
3.) 12pm Tomato soup in the Nordstrom Cafe. Best. Soup. Ever.
5.) 3pm Take Emma the dog to the beach and watch her joy as she rolls in rotting fish.
6.) 5pm a Toast. I will take Corona's advice and toast:
  • The company that I worked for for 15 years. It was an amazing run and I am honored that I had the opportunity to work at such an extraordinary company with the most talented group of people on this planet.
  • The people who made the decision to lay me off. I know it was a hard decision and I know that what you did set me off on a new path that wouldn't have happened without that push.
  • The people who ended up buying our dream home. There is a reason you are in that home. Clearly this is where your joy needs to be. Take a swim for me?
  • To my husband who listened and mopped up tears and bought me flowers and promised me that someday we will live in that dream house.
  • To my friends and family who stayed by me when others didn't. I have never known such great kindness.
  • And to my nine little babies in heaven. Oh, I hope you know how very much I love you and wanted you. You, my children, live in my soul, in my every laugh, in my every joy.
7.) 6-9:30pm Class

8.) 10pm Lay in bed with my husband and our dog and feel their warmth and their breath and their love.

What Really Happened

1.) I never made it to church. I ran downstairs to see L. already doing email in his office and said "Happy Cinqo de Mayo!!!!" He knew how much I was dreading today but I thought "Oh, what the hell, it's 47 degrees, raining and it's May 5. Be happy!"  We fed Emma the dog and I was making myself oatmeal when she walked from the hardwood floor to the carpet and threw up everything she had for breakfast. I'm not good with vomit so I tried to soothe her as she tried to eat the vomit pile, scoop up wet kibble/drool/chicken while holding my shirt over my mouth so I didn't vomit too. Happy Cinqo de Mayo!!!!

2.) I pulled out of the garage and my gas light came on. I knew I had enough to make it to the Shell station across from my therapist's office. I got on the highway and then DONE. On the floating bridge, a car ahead of me caught fire. IT CAUGHT FIRE. Traffic was brought to a standstill. I watched my gauge go past the red line and the warning go from yellow to red. I shut my car off. Everyone did. On the bridge. On the floating bridge. The problem here is my sheer terror of bridges and causeways and this floating bridge literally sits on the water. Ever since we first moved here and my husband told me that the bridge once sunk, I will only drive over the bridge with my top down in case it sinks I can swim right out. (I do realize how ridiculous that sounds.) But there I was, stuck on the bridge with a car on fire and a firetruck in my rearview mirror trying to fit between two cars on a  two lane highway ON A BRIDGE. I thought if I moved to let him through I will hit the Jersey barrier and go into the water. Do you have a fear of getting caught stopped on the top of a Ferris wheel with a person who thinks it hilarious to rock the car? Now imagine that person rocking the Ferris wheel so hard it does a 360. That was my terror on the bridge this morning. Was the universe trying to cure me of my fear of bridges? Perhaps we can schedule that next time, Universe, OK?

One hour we were on that bridge in the rain with the burning car. I was thinking what kind of f**king knucklehead has a car that catches on fire on a floating bridge. I was SO ANGRY. I was an hour late for my therapist's appointment and instead of sitting in my therapist's cozy office at 10am sharp I was panicking that I was running out of gas on a bridge with a burning vehicle. I was so mad I couldn't even get my curses out properly and I ended up cursing the F**KLEHEAD. Which sounded funny and made me laugh and broke the anger I was feeling and was surrounded by with all the other frustrated drivers. F**klehead. Funny. And that's when the tow trucks came to the rescue and I made it to the Shell station on fumes and my therapist who luckily had a patient cancel at noon. Funny how things work out, isn't it? BTW, if you're curious about the driver of the car, he was fine. I saw his charred minivan off the highway as the driver was pulling stuff out of the back of his car with the police and fire teams.

Therapy was great. I was surprised that I actually didn't want to talk about what happened exactly one year ago. Was I getting over The Day That Sucked the Life Out of Me? Wow. We talked about this blog and the positive responses I was getting from people I didn't even know. A little light started to enter my soul.

3.) No time. No lunch and no breakfast.

4.) Acupuncture. Lovely.

5.) No time for the park in the misty rain.  I had homework and Emma was curled up in her bed dreaming puppy dreams.

6.) Yes, I toasted. I thought this was actually the most important part of the day. Not just forgiving but wishing well for the people who I felt were responsible for the bad stuff that happened. I toasted them exactly as I said I would and what was amazing to me is that I actually meant it.

7.) Class was great. I love Professor Sampson and my fellow classmates at the School of Visual Concepts. Cassie, Ben, Collette and Georgia--thanks for a great evening. I wasn't sure I would be in the mood for class tonight but you guys are amazing.

8.) Got home at 10:45pm. Kissed L. and Emma the puppy and sent them off to bed so I could blog about today. They are warming the bed as I type this and I can imagine Emma curled up next to L. falling asleep.

Aside from not having a moment for breakfast, lunch or dinner, today was OK. What is really amazing to me is that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I was dreading that Big Anniversary of The Bad Day That Kick Started the Year From Hell. But I had an A-Ha moment. I realized that if I wasn't laid off from my dream job and if we didn't lose our dream home and our sweet little babies, then I wouldn't be writing this blog here tonight. There is a reason for this. My heart is nowhere near as heavy as I expected it to be.

As I type this I am listening to Comcast's night time Toddler Tunes channel  (The BEST goodnight and sleep tight music) and Disney's "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" is playing. Symbols are everywhere if you look. I am listening to the words and I know that right here, right now is exactly where I am meant to be.

It's OK that things didn't happen exactly as I hoped they would today. It turned out even better than I could have imagined. I feel peace which I think is a precursor to joy

Good night, sleep tight, and to you Mr. Car Fire, I hope your night is going better than your morning did.

-HG

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