I can't have Trader Joe's Sesame Sticks in the house.
I just can't. They are dangerously addictiive.
Knowing that they are there in the pantry, is like knowing there is a party downstairs and it's all for me. I will lay awake at night thinking about these crunchy snacks that are high in fat and sodium, especially since they're impossible to stop eating once you start. To say that my willpower is lacking would be to sorely underestimate this problem. The only solution is to not have them in the house. But I love them. It's an issue I have. For someone who has battled a weight issue for most of my adult life, snacks like TJ's Sesame Sticks become a real problem. When I can't stop eating them, I feel bad about myself and I will just go off the rails. I give in. I give up. I hate myself for giving in. I indulge in sesame sticks (or Dorito's or whatever) to feel better for a moment and then I feel worse. Terrible cycle.
I've seen nutritionists and therapists to try to understand why I self-sabotage. I get it. I understand. I know what works for me. Five years ago, I lost 100 pounds by looking at my trigger foods and made a program for myself that had no wheat, dairy, sugar, coffee or alcohol. If it came in a box, I didn't eat it. The first two weeks were awful. I had headaches, I was cranky. I wanted to quit. But I didn't. Then something happened. I felt clearer, I felt lighter. I realized that my body basically used wheat and sugar like a drug to soothe myself. So, I didn't actually deal with things that bothered me emotionally. Comfort foods were my Valium. When I ate a diet of fruits, vegetables, nuts/olive oil, fish and plenty of water (with fresh squeezed lime) I not only felt better physically but the kinder I treated my body, the better I felt emotionally and the healthier I wanted to eat because I wasn't using comfort food to ease my uncomfortable emotions. Being in control of food and working out meant I could better manage other aspects of my life as well.
Then I let go. I gained the weight back by adding in things like "special occasion" foods which triggered me and made it OK to have coffee with cream and then hey, a low fat blueberry muffin can't be that bad and then, well, I just stopped feeling proud of myself and I ate what I wanted and stopped working out. I felt terrible about this which made me just turn to food for comfort. Not my finest hour.
Here's the thing, though, that was just defeat. A small defeat. A setback. A lesson.
I learned that I have extraordinary self-control and that when I kickbox I feel strong and confident. I would rather feel in control and confident than how I feel right now, which is angry with myself for not having control that I KNOW that I have. I'm just not tapping into it.
So, I know the game plan. I rock at this game plan. I am ridiculously good at it. And so, I'm following my program again. I'm getting back on the horse. And I know that even if that horse kicks me off, that I know how to climb back on and hold on even when she's galloping because I remember how that wind felt in my hair. It was amazing.
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