insights: the reprieve

I was sitting on the edge of an exam table in a doctor’s office, wearing a little cotton johnny and my bare feet cold against the stainless steel. I held my breath and waited for the doctor to come in. I was nervous.  About a month earlier I had the feeling that I needed to see my dermatologist. It started as a little voice that said “You should call and get a body check.” I ignored it. The voice got louder until I had no choice so I picked up the phone and made an appointment for the first available slot 3 weeks away. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. I broke down and called last week and said “Look, I feel like something is wrong. Can you get me in any earlier?” Luckily, the receptionist took pity on me and got me in on Monday. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was  very wrong.

Dr. Kim came in. I love her. The appointment was going well. Dr. Kim congratulated me on my weight loss and wished me luck on my quest to be a mom. We were laughing as she looked over my body from head to toe. I stopped worrying until she got to a point on my back when she said to the technician “We’re taking this off.” I started to sweat. I felt my face get red. My heart started beating fast. I felt so hot like I was going to throw up.

“How how bad is it?” I asked.

Dr. Kim said “Don’t worry until I tell you to worry.”

“I am a worrier by nature,” I said.

“I know,” Dr. Kim said as she numbed the area and started cutting. I started praying the Hail Mary once, twice, four times. She told me the pathology results would be ready in a week. I wondered how I could wait a week for the results.

I don’t remember driving home. I called my husband to tell him they found something weird. I called Kay, the lovely woman in charge of the prayer chain at my church. I called Sr. Mary Magdalene at a convent in my hometown in Massachusetts. I asked them to pray for me, to pray that the pathology would be negative.

I got the call just a few hours ago.

In the moment between seeing Dr. Kim’s number pop up on my cell phone and hearing her voice, time stopped. I remember thinking “This is weird how time is going so slow” and I realized my life as I knew it could change in just seconds.

“It’s not cancer,” Dr. Kim said “But we want to go in and remove more of the area. It’s wonky and as a preventative measure I want to take more of the area off so we don’t have to worry about it turning into something bad. OK?”

“OK,” I said. We scheduled surgery for next Tuesday.

Before we hung up she said again “It’s not cancer, OK. On a scale of worry from 1 to 10 this is a 1, OK?”

I worry. It is what I do. I don’t want to be this way but I am. I obsess and I know I will obsess until Tuesday afternoon, until she tells me I am OK and there is nothing to worry about. I hung up with her and I tried to remember everything she said to me. I tried calling my husband but I just stared at the screen on my phone. I couldn’t remember his number. I couldn’t remember his name. I just kept thinking that I prayed so hard and I wanted it to be nothing but yet here I was scheduled for surgery next week.